last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
