It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
