The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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