Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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