I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
