I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Someone signed my nipple.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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