Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
