I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
