New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
