I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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