i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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