i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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