you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
