the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
