yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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