I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize