never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
