Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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