Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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