There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
