What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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