If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
