I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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