doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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