I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Say something about gay babies.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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