Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize