I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
