I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize