Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
