I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
