he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
