you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
