The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
