I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize