bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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