literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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