We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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