Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
