in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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