i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
