Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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