so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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