Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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