I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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