You work out of a Hotel?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
