this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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