my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
