so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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