The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
