remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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