How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
