By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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