I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
