i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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