I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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