Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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