oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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