Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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