Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He did a backflip because drugs
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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