I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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